Today, I thought I lost a money order for my rent. Rent, that was due five days ago. By the way, I purchased this money order 3 days ago and I forgot to take it to the office. I've never had a panic attack before, but today had all the necessary qualifications for it to occur. Good thing I found it. Under my bed. All I could think about were several years prior, I almost sold most of my valuables because I couldn't afford to pay my rent. Then I found a money order for my rent, purchased several months prior, while cleaning my room. I turned 25 years old today. This shouldn't be still happening.
There is not special feeling when you hit these supposedly pivotal ages in your life. I don't know why I haven't realized that yet. You don't all sudden undergo this dramatic physical, emotional and mental change overnight. At 13, I wasn't moody and angsty. That had actually started the year before. At 16, I still couldn't drive and I was nowhere near getting my license. At 18, my mom was still checking on me when I stayed out past 10 and at 21, I had no interest in really drinking. Two of my friends had turned 21 almost a year earlier and therefore, the appeal slowly diminished over time. So now, at 25, I can't say that I'm more responsible and I've finally gotten this whole 'adult' thing figured out. And I'm a little disappointed at the misconceptions about adulthood. For me it was implied by many if not all adults, that as you get older, you're supposed to get wiser. From the outside, it seems as if adults had this routine ingrained in them. There was no forgetting bills and rooms were always clean. I can't remember a time when I heard my mom say to herself, "How am I gonna pay for this?". Yet, here I am, right at the edge of surviving and drowning. The somewhat embarrassing thing I hate to admit is that I don't feel less connected to my former selves. I'm more goofy and more clumsy than I've ever been. I still don't know how to parallel park and crying seems to be a weekly thought. I hope my tone isn't coming off as some type of resentment toward living to be this age. I've lived 25 years. Quarter of a century. And there were so many moments in the past years that I'll never forget. I recall them in my car on my way to work or as I'm drifting off to sleep. They're the reason I don't cry sometimes. But by this time in my life, I feel as if every mistake I've ever made is supposed to be justified at shaping the position I'm in right now. That position is supposed to be 'Fully Functional Adult'. And I don't feel that way. I'm nowhere close to feeling that way. Those mistakes still feel like stupid, avoidable mistakes and I'm still making them.
I'm sure I can find an article that says that this is still normal and I shouldn't feel bad about this because everyone my age is or has felt like this. But I can't not feel this way when the same people I attended school with appear much better off than me. And I'm aware that I can't make assumptions when I don't know the whole story. But it's hard not to wonder that if they saw my life in all it's details, would they judge me?
Today I turned 25. Or yesterday as of now. I think it's midnight. Sometimes I see a melancholy preteen. And she morphs into an eager 18 year old ready to meet new people and see new things. Then, the insecure 16 year old shows her face. The 21 year old walks up exhausted because there are more important things to worry about. At 30, maybe this current girl....woman? Maybe she'll appear, frustrated and unsure. And my 30 year old self will brush her away. Because they'll be no need to think about that moment with defeat. I'll finally be where I'm supposed to be and I'll feel like I want to feel.
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