I found myself on my way to Memphis that Friday and the guilt slowly began to settle. And then it nearly disappeared with every laugh, the overdue jokes and the warmth of nostalgia and familiarity. A weekend didn't feel like enough time. When has it ever? But it was enough to rid me of my guilt as well as the reality of my situation. That was until Wednesday.
Wednesday, I was scheduled to work around 1:00. I'm always grateful to be able to sleep a little later and use that idle time to catch up on TV shows. The cons were fighting through lunch time traffic....in the city. So I had planned on leaving earlier just to make it to work on time. For some reason, a few of my neighbors decided the best location to boost a car off was directly behind my car. Not wanting to waste any time on hoping they would be done soon, I politely told them that I had to leave for work soon. They assured me it wouldn't' be long. After checking on them for the 3rd time, I decided it was time to throw away the nice girl act. Before I could even open my mouth, one of the trio asks me, "Is someone picking you up?" I replied, "No, this is MY car," pointing to my dented up vehicle. And then she said the words I would have to keep repeating to people who didn't believe me, "Do you know that your tire is missing?" I rounded the corner to the driver's side of my car and she was correct. There was no rear tire. My car was being held off the ground with a large rock (at least they were kind). Trying to name the exact emotion I was feeling is still difficult. When my friend picked me up for work, it was definitely anger and wished terrible things would happen to the culprits. In the end, all that anger and sadness really amounted up to defeat. I'm no stranger to unfortunate things happening like this though none quite like this, however I will admit that some of them if not most could have been prevented had I not been so naive. But here was something that was happening that was completely out of my control. How could I have been more careful, more attentive more of an adult to keep this from happening when the thought of this happening never dawned on me? The feeling of defeat was then accompanied by disappointment in myself. Had I not used my money to go visit my friends, I wouldn't be calling my parents to bail me out again. I could finally exemplify some adult qualities for once and not feel like I'm still in college putting my account in overdraft. For a brief moment, I felt let down by the powers sworn to protect me and my constant mantra for the next day or so was "It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair." But the powers that be seemed to feel some sympathy for me. When I went to the junk yard with my friend to find a new tire, the urge to make the world aware of what had happened to me began to take hold. I just wanted to be pitied. But that's not what was given to me. As a man in his 50s explained to us how the junkyard process worked the tidbit about why I was here slipped out. Unexpected advice followed. "The hardest part about what happened to you is going to be for you to forgive the people that did this. One day, they'll have to answer for the things they've done. But you've got to forgive them." I wasn't expecting this to come from a man, this man that appeared to have performed manual labor all his life, never received any education past high school and if I had to guess, never owned anything of great value. But here he was delivering a message to me that I didn't know I needed. I left feeling a little lighter and I carried that feeling and used it to haul me out of my foul mood. To say I forgive the people that stole my tire, I'll say it's a work in progress. I'm not upset anymore and I can laugh about it a little. But the words of a stranger, a friend making empty threats and how lucky I am to have a friend that showed me how to change a tire, that's what became my tether to being okay.
There is no way to go through this world without having a few misfortunes, some have more than others. But I have found with every lost money order, every time my car broke down or whenever I couldn't afford something, there was always someone to make me smile. Sometimes they were small, just a small effort of muscle and sometimes they developed into full laughing fits. You need those things. Well, I need those things. It's the only reason I'm not a much more darker person. My angels in the darkness, helping my fight the assholes of the world. Thanks guys.
Wednesday, I was scheduled to work around 1:00. I'm always grateful to be able to sleep a little later and use that idle time to catch up on TV shows. The cons were fighting through lunch time traffic....in the city. So I had planned on leaving earlier just to make it to work on time. For some reason, a few of my neighbors decided the best location to boost a car off was directly behind my car. Not wanting to waste any time on hoping they would be done soon, I politely told them that I had to leave for work soon. They assured me it wouldn't' be long. After checking on them for the 3rd time, I decided it was time to throw away the nice girl act. Before I could even open my mouth, one of the trio asks me, "Is someone picking you up?" I replied, "No, this is MY car," pointing to my dented up vehicle. And then she said the words I would have to keep repeating to people who didn't believe me, "Do you know that your tire is missing?" I rounded the corner to the driver's side of my car and she was correct. There was no rear tire. My car was being held off the ground with a large rock (at least they were kind). Trying to name the exact emotion I was feeling is still difficult. When my friend picked me up for work, it was definitely anger and wished terrible things would happen to the culprits. In the end, all that anger and sadness really amounted up to defeat. I'm no stranger to unfortunate things happening like this though none quite like this, however I will admit that some of them if not most could have been prevented had I not been so naive. But here was something that was happening that was completely out of my control. How could I have been more careful, more attentive more of an adult to keep this from happening when the thought of this happening never dawned on me? The feeling of defeat was then accompanied by disappointment in myself. Had I not used my money to go visit my friends, I wouldn't be calling my parents to bail me out again. I could finally exemplify some adult qualities for once and not feel like I'm still in college putting my account in overdraft. For a brief moment, I felt let down by the powers sworn to protect me and my constant mantra for the next day or so was "It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair." But the powers that be seemed to feel some sympathy for me. When I went to the junk yard with my friend to find a new tire, the urge to make the world aware of what had happened to me began to take hold. I just wanted to be pitied. But that's not what was given to me. As a man in his 50s explained to us how the junkyard process worked the tidbit about why I was here slipped out. Unexpected advice followed. "The hardest part about what happened to you is going to be for you to forgive the people that did this. One day, they'll have to answer for the things they've done. But you've got to forgive them." I wasn't expecting this to come from a man, this man that appeared to have performed manual labor all his life, never received any education past high school and if I had to guess, never owned anything of great value. But here he was delivering a message to me that I didn't know I needed. I left feeling a little lighter and I carried that feeling and used it to haul me out of my foul mood. To say I forgive the people that stole my tire, I'll say it's a work in progress. I'm not upset anymore and I can laugh about it a little. But the words of a stranger, a friend making empty threats and how lucky I am to have a friend that showed me how to change a tire, that's what became my tether to being okay.
There is no way to go through this world without having a few misfortunes, some have more than others. But I have found with every lost money order, every time my car broke down or whenever I couldn't afford something, there was always someone to make me smile. Sometimes they were small, just a small effort of muscle and sometimes they developed into full laughing fits. You need those things. Well, I need those things. It's the only reason I'm not a much more darker person. My angels in the darkness, helping my fight the assholes of the world. Thanks guys.
